My Wife the Outlaw

Emily and ClydeLast week we went to the Department of Motor Vehicles here in Carlisle, Pennsylvania to get our driver’s licenses changed over. Mine went off without a hitch, however…

It just so happens that Emily is a wanted criminal in the state of Texas.

We were sure there must have been a mistake. After all, my wife put her criminal history behind her long ago. Plus she’s had multiple background checks, received a license in Missouri, etc. in the last several years.

They gave us a phone number to call, which was better than arresting her. After playing phone roulette for about an hour they were finally able to tell us what the deal was.

Did she remember receiving a speeding ticket seven years ago in Van Zandt County?

Yes, she did. That ticket was pretty memorable. She was speeding and got busted. The next day we were in the car together trying to figure out how to pay for it (we were broke college students) when she handed me the ticket to read some fine print. I was driving, and when I looked at the ticket for a moment I missed a speed limit sign.

Thirty seconds later I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding and ticketed. All of which I blame Emily for.

So within 24 hours we had each received a speeding ticket. And it was Emily’s fault.

Thankfully our good friend Anna Calavan had recently received a speeding ticket as well, so we all decided to take defensive driving together to get our tickets expunged. We chose one that was supposed to be led by a comedian who would make it fun.

You know when someone isn’t funny but they keep trying to be and it just becomes sad and depressing after awhile? And maybe a little repulsive? Yeah…that for 3 hours.

So we took care of our tickets in a vile and dehumanizing way.

Seven years later we find out that the comedian/defensive driver instructor didn’t handle her paperwork correctly and my wife is now wanted in Texas for failing to pay a speeding ticket.

After explaining this to the judge over the phone, he felt bad for us and decided to drop it.

But after being married to a hardened criminal for the past seven years I’m just worried that the next seven won’t quite measure up.


  1. Glad to know the story behind the criminal record.  I’m relieved!  : )

  2. I just knew she was a bad influence on you! When we first met in Chicago I whispered to Cathy, “She looks like a speeder doesn’t she?” To which she replied, “Yeah, he kinda does too though.”

    • Funny story: I literally just got a speeding ticket about 3 hours ago for the first time since 2004. So Cathy would appear to be spot on with her assessment. 🙁

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